Hilarious Loudspeaker Comments

Pro Member Captain
Jared Captain

Hello everybody. As my 200th post i would like to post some hilarious loudspeaker comments over various flights. I cant remember if i have posted these here before but please forgive me. So please enjoy.

>>> On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior"
>>> flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
>>> reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin
>>> This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
>>> flight attendants."
>>> *******************
>>> Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be
>>> sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
>>> anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
>>> *******************
>>> Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
>>> there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"
>>> *******************
>>> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
>>> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
>>> *******************
>>> As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La
>>> Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
>>> WHOA!"
>>> *******************
>>> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
>>> a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
>>> care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
>>> like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>>> *******************
>>> From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard
>>> Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert
>>> metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
>>> other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
>>> probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
>>> *******************
>>> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>>> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
>>> your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
>>> mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
>>> than one small child, pick your favorite.
>>> *******************
>>> The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers:
>>> "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
>>> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
>>> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
>>> Airlines."
>>> *******************
>>> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
>>> emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and
>>> free to take them home with our compliments."
>>> *******************
>>> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead
>>> area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
>>> assisting children or other adults acting like children."
>>> *******************
>>> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>>> Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight
>>> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>>> *******************
>>> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
>>> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>>> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>>> *******************
>>> Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just
>>> after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a
>>> bump, and I know what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you
>>> it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
>>> wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt."
>>> *******************
>>> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>>> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
>>> captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
>>> landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
>>> to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
>>> fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
>>> gate!"
>>> *******************
>>> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
>>> "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
>>> to the terminal."
>>> *******************
>>> A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago,
>>> on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had
>>> unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard
>>> greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first
>>> on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers
>>> disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline."
>>> His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he
>>> avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any
>>> smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little
>>> old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a
>>> cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do
>>> you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
>>> "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>>> ******************
>>> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
>>> came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>>> until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
>>> screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
>>> cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
>>> you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>>> *******************
>>> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
>>> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
>>> the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
>>> metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
>>> *******************
>>> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a
>>> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
>>> the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
>>> Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
>>> The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
>>> and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!"
>>> Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
>>> the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
>>> scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
>>> brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my
>>> lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach
>>> yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

8 Responses

Pro Member Chief Captain
Alex (Fire_Emblem_Master) Chief Captain

That is AWESOME! where'd you get those?

Pro Member First Officer
Michael_H First Officer

My congratulations Captain,

and thanks for the laughs.

"What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?".. 👏

Pro Member Captain
Jared Captain

FEM my aunt sent them to me in an e-mail in april

the last one is my favorite

Pro Member Chief Captain
Matthew Shope (mypilot) Chief Captain

I am going to keep those on a word document. Group Wave 🍻

Pro Member Captain
Jared Captain

i'm glad everyone likes these

Pro Member Chief Captain
Manuel Agustin Clausse (Agus0404) Chief Captain

That was sooo funny! 😂 I've seen some of those jokes before, but indeed they are funny.

Pro Member Chief Captain
Greekman72 Chief Captain

Group Wave

PERFECT.... 😂 😂 😂

Pro Member Chief Captain
CrashGordon Chief Captain


I'll add one I heard after a hard landing at Phoenix, aboard a Southwest flight.

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I should explain that it wasn't the pilot's fault. It wasn't the co-pilot's fault. It was the asphalt.

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