Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody

Something I recieved at work today.

>
> Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody:
>
>
> 1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
> where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my
> cr*tch when I ask
> where the toilet is?
>
>
> 2.People who are willing to get off their **** to search the entire
> room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TVand change
> the channel
> manually.
>
>
> 3.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
> too"... ****ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
>
>
> 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look"... Of course
> it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
> people do this? Who and where are they?
>
>
> 5.When people say while watching a film "did you see that?"... No
> to$ser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing
> floor.
>
>
> 6.People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me
> a choice there, did you sunshine?
>
>
> 7.When something is 'new and improved!'...Which is it? If it's new,
> then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
> then there must have been something before it.
>
>
> 8.When people say "life is short"...What the ****?? Life is the
> longest damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What can you do that's
> longer?
>
>
> 9.When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
> yet?" .. If the bus came would I be standing here?
>
>
> 10.People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
> So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?
>
>
> 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
> it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
>
>
> 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's
> an image I really didn't need.
>
>
> 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
> insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a
> McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll
> have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you ****ing McTo$ser.
>
>
> 14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you
> alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
>
>
> More stuff...
>
>
> Did you ever stop and wonder......Who was the first person to look at
> a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here,
> and drink whatever comes out?"
>
>
> Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
> eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
>
>
> Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
> toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>
>
> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy
> cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
>
>
> Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
> undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
>
>
> Why does Goofy stand er3ct while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
> both dogs!
>
>
> What do you call male ballerinas?
>
>
> Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
>
>
> If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner hade nough money to buy all
> that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>
>
> If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
>
> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
>
> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
>
> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
>
>
> Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
> same tune?
>
>
> Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
>
>
> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
>
> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
> call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your bum?
>
>
> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
> you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
> window?
>
>
> Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
>
>
> Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
> place?
>
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